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Robbo?
Never heard of her.
It's been a couple of years since Coach Lachy ran his analytical eye over the best and worst of the draft. Back then, I was issuing visa's to LOSER ISLAND for each team that, inevitably, would wind up there. However, with COVID-19 closing the borders, I can't really send people overseas anymore.
It wasn't until that lesbian Charles mentioned micro-nations (Charles being the expert on everything micro) that I realised the solution - LOSER NATION. A micro-nation within Aus where the worst teams will reside. And like a reverse Queensland, they're both happy to open their borders and currently short of village idiots.
Here's who makes the list:
Pick 1: Punters
Nathan Cleary. Don't have to look any further and I'm sold on this team. Missed a few games last year when the NRL suspended him for not throwing a single helicopter into his dance routine, but looks to have picked up his footy and helicopter game in 2021.
VERDICT: Border closed.
Pick 2: ROX
The Real Big Pap, Mo, Klem, and Cummy. Sounds like a 70's Norwegian disco troupe but it's certain to put on points this season. And with Pearcey making sure the front office is humming along, it's not the sky that's the limit for the Rox - it's the border.
VERDICT: Border closed.
Pick 3: Wolves
This team makes sense stats wise, but it doesn't inflate my pool ring, if you know what I mean. Taking Bulldogs bench hooker and Wolves fav player Si Katoa in the 10th may seem like a bad call - and it is. Can't believe they didn't follow it up with their other mate - Jack Hetherington. Lucky the head coach already has the movers booked, because...
VERDICT: Border open.
Pick 4: XIII
The XIII coasted through this draft. Just good pick after good pick. They may find themselves a little light on for 8 point forwards but it's class across the paddock. Sorry Loser Nation, no wagyu for you, this prime cattle is staying put.
VERDICT: Border closed.
Pick 5: Druggies
A theme park of a draft. First they visited the rollercoasters with Pong and Sheck, then settled into a bit of Jazz with Friend in the marquee, then got really drunk at the bar with a British carnie (smelled of cabbage) around the 5th before visiting the candy bar for some orange sherbert. Can they win the comp? I don't think so, but they'll have a good time.
VERDICT: Border opened.
Pick 6: Truckers
Always a fan of the truckers drafts. A solid mix of grunt and flair and a few speccys thrown in. No average speed camera will stop the truckers zooming towards the finals this year, and unfortunately there will be no deliveries to LOSER NATION.
VERDICT: Border closed.
Pick 7: BWS
Annoying good draft by the wank socks til the sip of cider mixed poorly with the morning's caramel oat latte, and the proceeding burp sounded too much like "Aaron Woods" for the Commissioner (praise him!) to ignore. Sorry residents of Loser Nation, looks like you'll be coming on the floor.
VERDICT: Border closed.
Pick 8: Big Swinging Richards
Coaches were quick to dismiss the strategy of picking players on perceived penis size but let's explore that for a second. It would likely be agreed the worst draft in history was XRLI, when coach Bling sent his brother to the draft with a piece of paper that simply said "Manly." So if the worst draft ever was a team with little penis', it would follow the best draft would be picking a team with the biggest. The issue is, Manly have always been a team of massive knobs, so not sure this will play.
VERDICT: Border open, and you're being waved through by security.
Pick 9: Cougars
This draft was hilarious for those playing at home. The audio from Newy draft had coach Old Lion complain about the ideas of Coach TK, while the audio from Syd draft had the reverse. Campbell Graham was the overdraft of the day (above the Worm), and they're lacking in base points. Looks like these two will have plenty of time to plan for 2022 as they relocate together.
VERDICT: Border opened.
Pick 10: Monsters
Loved the early engine room, including the Macca pick despite his lack of functioning legs. For some reason went back to the Isaaka well when most would have caved it in, filled it with concrete and built a supermarket over the top. And if Loser Nation is looking for the Monsters to help with construction they're in for some bad news...
VERDICT: Border closed.
Pick 11: Boxes
Let's have a look at what the former President of Loser Island did with his draft...
You know what, it's not horrible. It's a down the list, boring, sensible draft, free of risk or adventure. Reminds me of a fact actually:
Did you know that a blue whale can grow to 110 feet, nearly 8 cars in length. They weigh up to 136,000 kg, and consume around 3,600 kg of food per day. And, the blue whale's vagina is larger than a standard car, fitting over 10 humans. Which means, after Tobes, it's the world's second biggest pussy.
VERDICT: President of Loser Nation - Â quarantine rules prevent travel out.
Pick 12: Gunners
The first few picks flew by and the panic in the eyes of the Gunners coach was evident. With not even a "pick/ do not pick" list to rely on, coach double sacky spoonchester suddenly had a vision. It was a football field, with players training and the houses all around the field falling down. In front of him, a player nails a sideline conversion. "What's your name?" he asks him, "Zac Lomax" said the young kicker. Unfortunately for the Gunners coach, his vision was of the St George Dragons, who have been training in Loser Nation since appointing new coach A Griffin and releasing star player Cam McInnes. The houses were being demolished to build coach Tobes new presidential mansion, to have a better view as his squad get's beaten week after week. Ah well, at least you won't have far to walk to watch your players.
VERDICT: Border very open.
Pick 13: Miners
Solid. Lolo will be a big factor here - will the reduced minutes mean less stats and drop his average, or awaken safer stats and more tries? With a strong base focus the Miners will be looking to scissor to the front early and hold off the chasers like a Jamie Kah special.
VERDICT: Border closed.
Pick 14: Dingoes
Same pick as last year so the Dingoes know the score. Unfortunately this draft went off the rails pretty quickly. Val Holmes is no certainty to kick, and Martin, Mann, Dearden are more hit and hope picks this season. I would have opened the border, but I need an 8th team to make finals so...
VERDICT: Border closed.
That's it from me! Peace out!
Never heard of her.
It's been a couple of years since Coach Lachy ran his analytical eye over the best and worst of the draft. Back then, I was issuing visa's to LOSER ISLAND for each team that, inevitably, would wind up there. However, with COVID-19 closing the borders, I can't really send people overseas anymore.
It wasn't until that lesbian Charles mentioned micro-nations (Charles being the expert on everything micro) that I realised the solution - LOSER NATION. A micro-nation within Aus where the worst teams will reside. And like a reverse Queensland, they're both happy to open their borders and currently short of village idiots.
Here's who makes the list:
Pick 1: Punters
Nathan Cleary. Don't have to look any further and I'm sold on this team. Missed a few games last year when the NRL suspended him for not throwing a single helicopter into his dance routine, but looks to have picked up his footy and helicopter game in 2021.
VERDICT: Border closed.
Pick 2: ROX
The Real Big Pap, Mo, Klem, and Cummy. Sounds like a 70's Norwegian disco troupe but it's certain to put on points this season. And with Pearcey making sure the front office is humming along, it's not the sky that's the limit for the Rox - it's the border.
VERDICT: Border closed.
Pick 3: Wolves
This team makes sense stats wise, but it doesn't inflate my pool ring, if you know what I mean. Taking Bulldogs bench hooker and Wolves fav player Si Katoa in the 10th may seem like a bad call - and it is. Can't believe they didn't follow it up with their other mate - Jack Hetherington. Lucky the head coach already has the movers booked, because...
VERDICT: Border open.
Pick 4: XIII
The XIII coasted through this draft. Just good pick after good pick. They may find themselves a little light on for 8 point forwards but it's class across the paddock. Sorry Loser Nation, no wagyu for you, this prime cattle is staying put.
VERDICT: Border closed.
Pick 5: Druggies
A theme park of a draft. First they visited the rollercoasters with Pong and Sheck, then settled into a bit of Jazz with Friend in the marquee, then got really drunk at the bar with a British carnie (smelled of cabbage) around the 5th before visiting the candy bar for some orange sherbert. Can they win the comp? I don't think so, but they'll have a good time.
VERDICT: Border opened.
Pick 6: Truckers
Always a fan of the truckers drafts. A solid mix of grunt and flair and a few speccys thrown in. No average speed camera will stop the truckers zooming towards the finals this year, and unfortunately there will be no deliveries to LOSER NATION.
VERDICT: Border closed.
Pick 7: BWS
Annoying good draft by the wank socks til the sip of cider mixed poorly with the morning's caramel oat latte, and the proceeding burp sounded too much like "Aaron Woods" for the Commissioner (praise him!) to ignore. Sorry residents of Loser Nation, looks like you'll be coming on the floor.
VERDICT: Border closed.
Pick 8: Big Swinging Richards
Coaches were quick to dismiss the strategy of picking players on perceived penis size but let's explore that for a second. It would likely be agreed the worst draft in history was XRLI, when coach Bling sent his brother to the draft with a piece of paper that simply said "Manly." So if the worst draft ever was a team with little penis', it would follow the best draft would be picking a team with the biggest. The issue is, Manly have always been a team of massive knobs, so not sure this will play.
VERDICT: Border open, and you're being waved through by security.
Pick 9: Cougars
This draft was hilarious for those playing at home. The audio from Newy draft had coach Old Lion complain about the ideas of Coach TK, while the audio from Syd draft had the reverse. Campbell Graham was the overdraft of the day (above the Worm), and they're lacking in base points. Looks like these two will have plenty of time to plan for 2022 as they relocate together.
VERDICT: Border opened.
Pick 10: Monsters
Loved the early engine room, including the Macca pick despite his lack of functioning legs. For some reason went back to the Isaaka well when most would have caved it in, filled it with concrete and built a supermarket over the top. And if Loser Nation is looking for the Monsters to help with construction they're in for some bad news...
VERDICT: Border closed.
Pick 11: Boxes
Let's have a look at what the former President of Loser Island did with his draft...
You know what, it's not horrible. It's a down the list, boring, sensible draft, free of risk or adventure. Reminds me of a fact actually:
Did you know that a blue whale can grow to 110 feet, nearly 8 cars in length. They weigh up to 136,000 kg, and consume around 3,600 kg of food per day. And, the blue whale's vagina is larger than a standard car, fitting over 10 humans. Which means, after Tobes, it's the world's second biggest pussy.
VERDICT: President of Loser Nation - Â quarantine rules prevent travel out.
Pick 12: Gunners
The first few picks flew by and the panic in the eyes of the Gunners coach was evident. With not even a "pick/ do not pick" list to rely on, coach double sacky spoonchester suddenly had a vision. It was a football field, with players training and the houses all around the field falling down. In front of him, a player nails a sideline conversion. "What's your name?" he asks him, "Zac Lomax" said the young kicker. Unfortunately for the Gunners coach, his vision was of the St George Dragons, who have been training in Loser Nation since appointing new coach A Griffin and releasing star player Cam McInnes. The houses were being demolished to build coach Tobes new presidential mansion, to have a better view as his squad get's beaten week after week. Ah well, at least you won't have far to walk to watch your players.
VERDICT: Border very open.
Pick 13: Miners
Solid. Lolo will be a big factor here - will the reduced minutes mean less stats and drop his average, or awaken safer stats and more tries? With a strong base focus the Miners will be looking to scissor to the front early and hold off the chasers like a Jamie Kah special.
VERDICT: Border closed.
Pick 14: Dingoes
Same pick as last year so the Dingoes know the score. Unfortunately this draft went off the rails pretty quickly. Val Holmes is no certainty to kick, and Martin, Mann, Dearden are more hit and hope picks this season. I would have opened the border, but I need an 8th team to make finals so...
VERDICT: Border closed.
That's it from me! Peace out!