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Season 2017


    Press Releases

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    Tobes
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    Join date : 2013-01-29

    Press Releases

    Post by Tobes on Tue Mar 07, 2017 3:22 pm

    Go here!
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    Clinton Gutherson

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    Join date : 2013-02-11

    Re: Press Releases

    Post by Clinton Gutherson on Wed Mar 08, 2017 8:40 pm

    KILLERS TRUMP MEDIA

    The XRL media have slammed the 2017 Killers since the season kicked off for what they perceive to be a “slow start” from the most successful team in the history of the league.

    In response, the Killers have overhauled their media department, and placed at its head a man who got elected as the President of the United States on the back of his unparalleled Twitter skills: Donald Trump.

    Trump will fit the new duties in around his schedule as President by tweeting mostly during bathroom time, which he already does anyway. The fast fingered funnyman wasted little time in firing off a series of messages defending the mighty Killers and slandering the rest of the league.

    “XRL bad mouth TREMENDOUS LAK to cover own failings! SAD! Can’t/won’t admit but I will say TRUTH!” - @realDonaldTrump

    “Monsters: C Scott BENCHED for CHEESE! J Turner, Grnwood are NOT Pimple just British! Ask Hdaker, Tomkins how that works out? Dyl Walker OVERdraft!” - @realDonaldTrump

    “Gunners: Need a GF lost or a sacko won? Ask these LOSERS! Dylan Edwards wasted waiver, Vidot BENCHED for ZILL, everybody else INJURED! Bck2Bcko?” - @realDonaldTrump

    “Wolves: J Field 11 min man - 10 min longer than WOL coach last night. What has 6 legs, 4 ACLs and no play Sundays? WOL bckline BAD+SAD” - @realDonaldTrump

    “ROX: Myb nxt year 5 co-coaches dilute SACKO taint!? Don Deadly Dble! Proctor to shoulder load? NOT! No good players - just lucky so far! SAD!” - @realDonaldTrump

    “Punters: PONGa stinking up BENCH! Tapine broken hand wank injury. Coal Train FAT - fit by 2019 mayb. Lowe mins cut look out for FENNY” - @realDonaldTrump

    “Cougars: No KICKER no TICKER no peats at HOOKER! Foran to get 4 pts, dble career pts overnight! IDG? IDGAF!” - @realDonaldTrump

    Eloquent.
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    Clinton Gutherson

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    Join date : 2013-02-11

    Re: Press Releases

    Post by Clinton Gutherson on Sat Mar 18, 2017 12:08 pm

    KILLERS ANNOUNCE STRATEGY 'TWEAK'

    Killers club captain and shining light for 2017 Clinton Gutherson fronted the media today to address the Killers mixed fortunes so far this season.

    Gutherson confirmed rumours that Coach Brightside had taken indefinite stress leave and GM Jack Donaghy had retired.

    Captaincy Coach Hot Dogs from Big Brother is continuing his recovery from a crippling gambling addiction and media manager Donald Trump had been fired after one two many tweets about "goddamn Mexicans".

    When asked who was coaching the team Gutherson informed that he himself had taken charge and would captain coach the team for the remainder of the season.

    Gutherson announced his first order of business would be a strict new haircut policy, where sideburns would no longer be tolerated.

    Gutherson also revealed that Manu Vatuvei's appearance this week was cut short in the 52nd minute not due to injury but because Gutherson had become fed up with Vatuvei's ridiculous top knot, and the Beast would not return to the lineup until he had a respectable short back and sides in the Gutherson-approved style.

    "Things are going to change around here," said Coach Gutherson. "There's only one way out of the quagmire. We will have to worm our way out."
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    Mary

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    Join date : 2013-02-08

    Re: Press Releases

    Post by Mary on Fri Mar 24, 2017 4:53 pm

    Press release

    Fans of the Liddle Lambs are appalled by the opening to the season with most proclaiming that the team appears to have lost its hunger and thirst for victory after breaking their premiership drought last season.

    When queried yesterday whether the loss of thirst and hunger may be associated with the teams sponsorship deal with Oak and the unlimited supply of delicious flavoured milk the players have access to pre-match, Coach Mary had this to say "Oak is our sponsor? As in the milk that kills hungry thirsty dead?..... Who was the fucking idiot who signed lambs up to a deal with Oak. Everyone knows lambs love milk! Fuck!".

    Coach Mary has since terminated the sponsorship deal with Oak and banned the team for partaking it is deliciousness.

    Let's see if it pays off.
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    Clinton Gutherson

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    Re: Press Releases

    Post by Clinton Gutherson on Fri Apr 14, 2017 10:57 pm

    Los Angeles Killers Press Release

    THE CURSE

    Killers Chief Shaman Clinton Gutherson shuffled into the press room in LA looking a shell of the man he was mere weeks ago.

    Gutherson adjusted the string of garlic around his neck and rubbed the rosary beads he clutched in one hand. He crossed himself and glanced to the heavens before he spoke.

    "The Killers have decided that at this point in the season, following news of Rory Kostjasyn's impending retirement, that we will focus our remaining efforts on improving our juju in hopes of warding off the terrible curse that has afflicted our once mighty club," he said.

    "We have replaced the assistant coaching staff with voodoo witchdoctors. Mirrors, ladders, and black cats are not permitted within the Killers stadium complex."

    Gutherson stood and lead the assembled journalists in a tour of the revamped facility. His voice wavered with stress and he calmed himself by drinking deeply from a vial of sacrificial goats blood.

    "The remnants of the playing group have moved in to live full-time in this cluster of teepees in the away team in-goal, where they will walk barefoot at all times to reconnect with the Earth's energy." Two of the players could be seen, knelt in prayer, wearing only bubble wrap and loincloths woven of natural hemp.

    Jarryd Hayne hobbled past, completely naked but for the dirt and leaves he had smeared over himself, ranting and raving about the end of days. "You can see the toll the season has taken on Brother Hayne's sanity," said Gutherson.

    "Our new, $20 million medical facility has been established on site in respond to the demand, but already the staff are overworked," Gutherson said as an exhausted rehab physio slumped in a waiting room chair, catching his first sleep after a 36 hour shift.

    "We have had no choice but to engage a top surgical team to perform an emergency double elbow-ectomy on George Burgess, whose fear of the curse has left him bereft of his senses." In the distance George's screams could be heard. "Anaesthetic is very bad juju and not permitted," Gutherson explained. "In time Brother George will learn to use his fused arm bones to his advantage."

    Back on the field, Gutherson drew a pentagram in the soil. "These are dark and terrible times. The curse is monstrous, and its hunger is not yet sated. We can only hope that the shipment of leprechauns we have ordered arrives in time for us to complete the ritual. May Shiva, Indian God of Wrath, protect us."

    Amen.

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